do you ever drop something and instead of picking it back up you just stare at on the ground and think about what a failure you are
Halfway into the first semester of Uni and…I miss school..(not VCE, but school). I miss it so much. I don’t even know why since my mental health was at its worse then but I suppose it had more to do with having a mental illness than school itself.
And the fact I’ll never go back, ever. I miss having a school uniform and seeing the same people every day, being closer to the teachers and having classes instead of lectures, and just the general bubble we were in….less people, a smaller environment, a sense of community, a shared calender & times…wahhhh. I ‘regret’ not being happier during that time
And now even though I’m surrounded by more people at Uni, I feel more alone…
To the customer who was rude and mean to me because ‘I don’t know how to fucking pack’ and especially to the old lady who stole the 10 dollars she had given me right from under my eyes then pretending that I must have dropped it, I hope karma gets you…I hope you pay for the pain you put me through. How could someone do that? Altogether I spent like 25 min in absolute tears inside my work bathroom. That $10 will be cut from my pay or I’ll get fired. Because I spent too long after my shift crying in the toilets (I couldn’t stop), my mum had to wait in the car for me and her plans were messed up (she had a very busy day today), causing her to be mad at me.
What is the point? Very often, the only things I enjoy doing are the ones that require no talent or skill whatsoever; sleeping and eating.
to face the same things
over and over
Today I had a computers workshop and for the first half I was on a table with 3 other guys and a girl. After that we went down to the computer labs. By the end of it, I had a headache and my face muscles (especially my jaw) were aching and hurting from anxiety for which I took panadol.
Social anxiety is the bane of my existence.
Side note: One of the guys is Norwegian and he’s attractive with nice cheekbones and a cute smile and my mind…these thoughts…this anxiety…are ruining my life.
edit: I found his Facebook and can see that he has added many new friends recently (including a girl who I’m pretty sure was in our workshop last week). What’s wrong with me? :( Am I too ugly, not friendly or talkative enough, pathetic, uncomfortable, awkward & anxious???
Side note 2: During the computers lecture earlier on, this 2nd year who I’d met (once previously) at the student second-hand bookshop (she was working there) came and sat next to me. I was kind of flattered but also had the usually thoughts/worry of disappointing her.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Every minute when I’m not obsessing over, analysing and worrying about human interaction and myself is a minute of relief…normality. Because the rest of the time, my mind creates a mini-hell which no-one else can see.
Sometimes when I’m not with someone, I feel like a loner and my mind focuses on and analyses other people talking, laughing, being normal, making me feel like shit. I try to stop thinking about it but I it’s hard.
However, when I am with someone, I get anxious. Anxiety about going blank and not having anything to say, making them feel awkward and not liking me. Consequently I’m not able to talk properly…being hyper aware/judgmental of what I say and how I act.
All in all, I just want my mind to shut up. I suppose it’s the way my brain connections have been wired all my life.
It’s not like being anxious about say, spiders. You don’t encounter them everyday and it’s socially ‘normal’ to be afraid of them.
Today at Uni, me and this girl I had met last week, we both had a 2hr break…so we studied and had lunch together. I could’ve gotten out of it. But you know what, I need to make friends and if I had (blown her off), it would’ve fed thoughts about me sucking at interacting (+ low self-worth).
Also, I saw a girl I had met at a computers lecture last week at another lecture today. Of course I called out to her and she came and sat next to me. If I didn’t call out, then she would think I was mean and didn’t like her. But in fact I had also seen her at the previous chem lecture but pretended not to notice her. At computers, she told me that she had actually seen me at chem. Then why didn’t she call out/acknowledge me? She’s very, very smart and I feel a bit dumb and inferior when we’re given class exercises to do during lectures. Am I too ‘dumb’ for her? Maybe she didn’t actually want to sit next to me but I’d forced her too?
And there is but a brief and more organised snapshot of my mind. Add the analsying, awkwardness, un-comfortableness I feel when we’re actually interacting or near each other…
Then I had a bio-lecture with a friend from high-school (hallelujah some relief). Afterwards at the train station, I bumped into a guy from chem tutoring last year and literally a minute later, my high school friend (who goes to another Uni) and we traveled on the same tram/train, to the last stop.
These things are normal for other people but for me they’re challenges that strike varying degrees of fear in me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to have friends, I want to talk to people normally (and not make a huge deal about it in my mind)…I am not anti-social (well, not to a huge extent)
But I’d still take Uni over work any day.