- I don’t feel right. I feel off…sad. It may be due to what I outline in the next few dots points but I also think it can be attributed to my brain chemistry idk…
- I wish the doubt, social anxiousness, thoughts and off-feelings would go away.
- I don’t even have any guy friends, let alone kissed one whilst my high school friends now have boyfriends, are making out with guys and are going out to clubs & parties frequently.
- I fear that I’ll be forever alone and won’t ever experience the joys and bliss of a romantic relationship, (and general social relationships & communication for that matter), because of my mind.
that moment when everyone in your class finished the test and you’re the only one doing it
be nice to people because the world is a shitty place and we all need a little help sometimes
*tightly hugs you back*
Today something terrible happened. Not terrible in the way 99% of people would deem something to be terrible (and the sensible part of me knows it isn’t), but my mind ‘works’ differently and some part of me feels like throwing myself in front of a truck or something (not literally). I want to write about what happened, but at the same time I don’t want to because it would be painful (actively thinking about it) and I know I won’t do a good enough job of explaining things in words. I feel quite alone and trapped because my social anxiety is not like that of most people with it. Some things do fit into the ‘typical’ box but then there are others that go into a separate ‘Mel’s’ box. In (many) situations my mind just doesn’t function properly, I can’t think logically leaving me in a seemingly perpetual state of confusion…and sometimes I end up doing/saying something that I wouldn’t if I was in a better mental state…which irks me. A part of me would like to tell to someone about what happened today but a) my family doesn’t understand b) i don’t see my psychiatrist til the first week of October I think, and anyway he doesn’t understand c) No way will I tell my friends.
*Sigh* Well, it’s been two weeks since I decreased my Lexapro dosage to half a tablet (take-2 at trying to get off them). I cannot make a good judgement as to whether I feel any different to when I was taking one tablet. I suppose there hasn’t been a drastic change,only small differences (which is only natural because come on, I’m altering my brain chemistry).
I don’t feel so overwhelmed/struggling with my mind that I cannot take it anymore. Instead,I feel somewhat encumbered by several (long-term) mental demons from which I yearn to break free.